I turned 50 this year. I haven’t quite decided how I feel about that. Fifty feels young in some ways and old in others. Enough years have passed that I’ve lived a lot of life, and yet, if I’m fortunate, there is still a lot of life ahead of me.
What I’ve noticed, both personally and professionally, is that many women experience betrayal during this season of life. Not all of them, of course. But enough that I’ve found myself reflecting on the unique intersection of midlife and betrayal trauma. Because midlife is already a season of transition.
It’s the season of changing bodies and changing roles. The season of perimenopause and menopause, when hormones can leave us feeling unlike ourselves. The season of children growing up and leaving home. The season of caring for aging parents. The season of taking stock of the life we’ve built and asking ourselves difficult questions about the life we still want to create.
And for many women, it’s also the season when betrayal comes to light.
When Betrayal Changes the Questions
There is a unique grief that can accompany discovering betrayal in midlife. You find yourself looking backward at the years you’ve already lived and wondering what was real.
You revisit memories with new information. You question things you once took for granted. At the same time, you find yourself looking forward and asking questions you never imagined having to ask.
Do I want this for the next twenty years? Can trust ever be rebuilt? Who am I now? What do I want from this next chapter of my life?
These aren’t easy questions and I don’t believe there are quick answers. But I do believe there can be meaning in asking them.
The Gift of Perspective
One of the gifts of midlife is perspective. By this point, many of us have survived things we once thought would break us.
We’ve lived through heartbreak, disappointment, loss, and unexpected detours. We’ve learned that life can be beautiful and painful at the same time. We’ve learned that grief and gratitude can coexist. We begin to recognize that certainty is often an illusion, but resilience is real.
And perhaps most importantly, many of us begin to care less about who we’re supposed to be and more about who we actually are.
The Grief of What Should Have Been
That doesn’t mean there isn’t grief. There is grief for the years that were lost.
Grief for what should have been.
Grief for dreams that didn’t unfold the way we imagined.
Grief for the version of yourself who didn’t yet know what you know now.
Many women tell me they feel guilty for grieving after all, they still have a marriage or children or a home or things that others might envy.
But grief isn’t a competition. Loss is loss. And betrayal often forces us to mourn not only what happened, but what we believed was happening.
Grief Is Not the End of the Story
One of the things I’ve come to appreciate about grief is that it isn’t simply an ending. Sometimes grief is the bridge between one season and the next. It helps us release what was so that we can eventually embrace what is.
That doesn’t mean we have to like the transition. It doesn’t mean we have to rush it. But it does mean that grief itself can be part of the healing process.
Part of becoming.
Part of growing.
Part of making room for something new.
The Possibility of a New Season
I don’t know exactly what this decade will hold. What I do know is that I want to enter it awake to my own life.
I want to continue becoming the woman I was created to be rather than shrinking myself to fit the expectations of others.
I want to live honestly, intentionally, courageously, and I want the same for the women I work with.
Whether you are rebuilding your relationship, choosing separation, rediscovering yourself after betrayal, or simply trying to find solid ground beneath your feet again, I hope you’ll remember this:
Your story is not over. There is still life here. There is still healing. There is still joy to be found.
And perhaps this next season, however unexpected it may be, holds the possibility of becoming more fully yourself than ever before.
Not despite what you’ve been through.
But because of the wisdom, strength, and resilience you’ve gained along the way.
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